Mugs for Thought

I received  a great email this morning. It was from a horse owner who has some very minor behavior problems with her horse, but is feeling, correctly, that they unacceptable.

Her scenario began like this...the horse, who lives in a stall-with-turnout type of situation, was standing in the cross-ties. He had not been turned out yet.

There was a young girl from the barn standing next to him, stroking his neck.

He was staring off in the distance --I'm guessing, with his head up and a fairly rigid stance-- and ignoring the child.

The owner came up to put him on a lunge line and get some of the sass off him before turning him loose. She placed her hand on the opposite side of his face and he slung his head in irritation.

This turned into a pissing match between them. The owner feels he should tolerate her touch wherever and whenever he gets touched. So, she continued to touch his face, he continued to evade.

Eventually, she gave up, took him outside and lunged the crap out of him. Lot's of speed transitions, stops and turns etc.

In twenty minutes he was hot, tired and completely submissive. He had his head lowered and was asking for affection. The owner was still fired up from the behavior in the barn and didn't want to return it.

Part of her irritation comes from feeling like she has to stomp all over him to get him to respect her. He will refuse to be affectionate and obedient unless she has worked the crap out of him. Then he will behave for a few weeks, then it builds again.

When he is sweet, he is incredibly so, she knows it's in there.

Before we get into my analysis of this situation, I want to share something I have learned about myself in the last few years, but have only come to embrace instead of ignore in just the past few months.

I am an extremely empathetic person. I am not sympathetic, not even a little. Other beings emotions, fear, stress, anger, happiness, contentment, all cause a physical response in me. I'm not going into detail, maybe someday if you're interested, but what this does, is make me very good with animals and very awkward with people.

With people, their words often don't match the emotion they're emitting, and all I hear is Waa waa waa. Kind of like the adult voices in the Charlie Brown cartoons. My daughter will be the first to tell you she feels I rarely hear her, but she knows to her core, I always feel her.

It might give some insight on the weird ways I respond to you at times. It's hard for me to find the correct response to things when I am only reading the written word and not pairing it with a physical presence.

Anyway. These are the words from our conversation that help me read this situation.

For her horse:
"Thousand mile stare.
"...flung his head in irritation.
"...he had a lot of energy.
"...and of course, at the end of it - his head was lowered and he was all "I love you, hold my head."

For herself:

"So I got pissy...
"... we had a little bitty stupid war while he was in crossties 
" me trying to get him to submit to a head hug just for one moment...
"...was just a flat out asshole to him..."
", I just worked him HARD.
"He was letting you touch him, but he wasn't really letting you do it - it's why he had his head high in the air and was ignoring you (to the little girl)."
"And I know that what I did was what he needed, and I can't force him to be something he's not.

"Sometimes I just want to give my horse a hug without establishing dominance first."

First and foremost, understand there was absolutely no abuse in any way shape or form here. When the owner talks about a war, she is not talking about hitting, or jerking or anything, just insisting the horse tolerate her touch.

When she says she worked him hard, she means she exercised him until he was compliant. 

This owner was very close in many ways to reading the situation and handling it correctly. But. You know me there is always a but. This can be completely a non-issue with a few tweaks in perspective.

This is how I would see and handle a situation like this one. We'll pretend he is mine.

My horse is thinking about stretching his legs. He has left the stall and knows he gets to move. Horses are all about movement. The anticipation is overwhelming. It's all he can think about.

He is a well mannered horse, with lots of pent up energy. Just to make sure he stays well mannered, I'm going to work around the barn, while keeping an eye on him, until I see him physically relax in the cross ties. Then I'll take him out for some exercise.

The little girl approaches and starts petting his shoulder.

My horse looks far and away, and stiffens. He wants to run. He is too well mannered to shake off this annoying child, but his tension is mounting.

I am proud of his patience. In order to reward him I tell the kid, "My horse isn't in the mood to be petted right now, maybe you can come see him after he's had some exercise and is happier."

Keep in mind, if she was a kid I was in charge of I'd say, "Why are you touching someone else's horse? Don't you have a stall to clean?"

Once my horse has relaxed and is looking around, mild eyed, I would saddle him, put the lunge line on him and we would go work. 

Our work out would be focused, he would not be allowed to buck, snort around, bolt, nothing. He knows this, because I saddled him, and we don't screw around under saddle. (This is another training post).

Once he is relaxed, calm and behaving well, I'll know he has his head back on straight and I'll let him rest. 

He'll be warm and affectionate. I'll reward him by scratching a few sweet spots, then caress his head, an area he's not comfortable with me handling, making it part of a positive experience.

I'll unsaddle him, scratch him again, take of his head gear and walk away. He'll approach turnout at a walk.

Here's my agree and disagree.

I agree 100% that my horses need to let me handle them when and where I need to.

I never take it personally when a horse lets me know they are uncomfortable with certain spots. 

To my mind, the gelding was completely focused on getting out. The cross ties were stopping him, the child was stopping him, he was ignoring the restraint, but letting his anxiety build. When his owner approached with yet another restraint he objected. Nobody was hearing him.

When I was little, I didn't want to kiss Grandma when she first arrived. It wasn't personal. I adored her. It's just that she was squishy and smelled funny. After we had hung out for a while and she had told me her latest adventures, I forgot she was squishy and kissed her happily. She still smelled funny, but it didn't matter, because she waited until I remembered she was someone I wanted to hug.

The aunt that made me kiss her anyway? I never got past how much I hated her spiky mustache. I dutifully kissed her, but my only memory of her is being poked by those black, bristly hairs on her upper lip.

I teach my horses to be handled during specific exercises, not in response to negative behaviors. I wait until they're ready to give me affection. I insist on good behavior. 

I don't allow myself to become angry with my horse. It's not that hard, because I never take things personally. I look for reasons to help me know how to shape behavior. 

Don't get me wrong, you'll hear me gripe and complain to high heaven....but not at the horse.

  
When it comes to dominance....

No horse wants to be hit, smacked, jerked, kicked or run until exhausted. Not a single one. No horse is happy because these things happen, they are only relieved when it stops. 

You guys know I take the "boss mare" position with my horses. They have to do what I say. I also strongly believe I need to hear and respect my horse.

I agree the horse should not have slung his head.

The difference is, I would try not to set him up for failure. How? By using the approach I described above. 

He would not have gotten the turn out he so desperately wanted until he earned it, by being calm and relaxed. I would let him sort that out himself. I wouldn't be sympathetic to his anxiety, but I certainly wouldn't be picking a fight with him when he only had half his brain working.

I know that as soon as he learns his anxiety doesn't get him anywhere, the better we both get along.

By approaching my horse like this, I stop the gradual build to misbehavior. I'm still the boss.

I'm not saying I haven't had many a "Come to Jesus" meeting with my horses. But it's rarely more than once.

"Wait," some of you are saying, "she said the horse became soft and compliant after she got after him."

He certainly did. Because he finally got what every fiber in his being was screaming for, some exercise.

However, this good, well-mannered horse isn't done with his tension, his anxiety in the cross ties, or slinging his head.

Because, in his mind, the way he finally got his person to understand how much he needed to move, was by being fractious in the cross ties.

Her anger confuses him, maybe even frightens him, but he is learning to tolerate that in order to get what he needs.

As usual, the Big K, in two simple sentences, made this clear to me.

Several years ago, we were sitting on our horses and letting them air up. Sonita would grab at the side of her bit, I would pull it out and growl at her, she's do it again, and then I would too. I don't know how long K watched this back and forth, but finally, he said, "Janet, you two are bitch slapping each other like a couple of queens in a gay bar. Either ignore it or fix it, you two are driving me nuts."